I'm currently laid on my sofa thinking about how badly I want someone to make me a steaming mug of hot chocolate before tucking me into my softer than soft fluffy throw (if that doesn't prove my age then I don't know what does).

I'm also thinking about how in precisely 1 month I will be 30. Yep, that's right, people. I will have officially made it to the big 3-0. How the f*uck did that happen? Did I blink and grow old over night? People will say age is just a number and you're only as old as you feel. But actually, the truth is, I do feel older. And it's come as quite a shock I can tell you.

I swear it was only yesterday that I was smoking fags in secret and stuffing socks down my bra in an effort to resemble Ginger Spice...

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm old, and here are 14 ways you know you're old too.

1,) Never mind the grey hair, that my dears is the least of your worries. Now you’re more worried about the hairs sprouting up in really bizarre and frankly awkward places. Your chin, your ears, even your neck. And my god they're long! And so damn wiry! 

2.) You've given up cardio for Pilates. Because by now you've accepted that that pesky role of fat is never going to expose the 6 pack you're convinced is buried there somewhere. Now instead, we focus on strengthening one's fat self. Because #zen.

3.) You've spent hundreds of pounds on high-quality bedding. Goodbye IKEA bed sheets! You were thin, you were cheap, you went a murky grey on me and now it's time to spend a whole month's salary on bed sheets from the epitome of grown up... John Lewis. Why? Because sleep is everything. 

4.) You get kicks out of 'entertaining'. Oh yes, you've become that person who welcomes friends with a cool beverage complete with frozen edible flower ice cubes, bowls of posh crisps (hello beetroot ribbons, you pompous little delicious snack) and dinners which take the whole of your Saturday to prepare.

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5.) Shopping becomes traumatic. Like seriously, hello. No one, and I repeat, no one wants to see my larger than average thighs, bum cheeks, or (let's be frank here) fanny hanging out of up the crotch shorts. Where are all the clothes for normal self-conscious people?

6.) Your ideal night changes. Gone are the days of spending hours getting ready, indulging in cans of pre-made vodka concoctions and painting the town red (Oh hello Grandma). Now your ideal night revolves around locking your front door, laying horizontal with a sheet mask on, and pouring over Country Living magazine.

7.) Your idea of the ‘perfect day’ changes. For your birthday you without doubt asked for a National Trust pass just so you can spend your weekends admiring the gorgeous gardens of a country mansion (and getting tips for you own when the inevitable lottery win comes your way), with plenty of tea and scone breaks, before going home to a lovely casserole which has been slowly boiling away for hours in your newly purchased slow cooker.

8.) Slang makes you angry. 'You mugging me off', 'You melt', 'Pied'. JUST SPEAK NORMALLY YOU IMBECILE.

9.) Your days of sexy black negligees and wearing thongs to bed are over (sorry husband). Instead you like to think you look like the all American dream in lose sweat pants, a scruffy top not and old stained t-shirt. In actual fact you look more like Britney in her break down days...

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10.) You have a full on bedtime beauty regime which sure enough includes slapping on an anti ageing night cream, an under the eye cream, an intensive hair mask, a lavender spray to bring a sense of calm and equilibrium, and so much bio oil that you constantly slip out of bed.

11.) You go out for coffee. Like you actually make it an event which the rest of your day has to fit around. 

12.) You have a separate savings account for your friend's life events. Money for hen dos, baby showers, wedding gifts, housewarmings. The list is endless but sadly your money pot is not.

13.) You've become obsessed with homeware and you're convinced that your new gorgeous ever so cosy throw may be the love of your life. Oh, and it's possibly breeding because new pastel shades keep miraculously appearing.

14.) You've actually uttered the phrase, ''They don't make music like they used to''. Because of course they don't. Gone are the days when Alliyah, Ashanti, and Puff Daddy (or whatever he is known as now) ruled the charts. Instead they've been replaced by child singers who all look the same. E.g) The Vamps...

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Oh, age. You horrible little fun-sucker. 

Are you feeling old too?

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